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[30 Nov 2009|09:47pm] |
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ahhh thank god for pumpkin rolls.
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[30 Nov 2009|03:38pm] |
Dan made me breakfast and hot chocolate this morning.
He tried to buy me deoderant but I declined.
Hes been doing alot and making alot of effort but i am feeling pretty dead inside.
Talking is still pretty futile.
so i dont. i just read and stay calm and go along with whatevers going on.
fuck it. I dont have any fight left in me. Im just here like a piece of furniture.
He gave me a fucking wonderful backrub the other night while we watched a movie.
I wanted to sink in it and enjoy
but i learned it just hurts worse when its all gone.
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| Forever to search for the flame. for home again for home again.... |
[30 Nov 2009|03:34pm] |
A job or a settlement better land on my lap soon or i am SCREWED.
Ok im already screwed but im floating around in denial all calm like for now.. holding things together by the seems. All i want is my own place. a job and ... SOME sense of things will be ok.
I dont even feel like i have a home. Like i belong anywhere.
I could couch surf but with only two friends that sure wears them out on me quick.
Not to mention this is a time i need something consistent.
and not to mention the fickleness having only two friends that at anytime could..
i dont know.. Make a simple "sorry about that" situation into something retarded by making justifications
and accusations on my character in lieu of me EVER standing up for myself when someone hurts me.
And i get this from both ends now.
I HAVE a bedroom. I cant sleep in it. It is far too wretchedly filthy
and far to toxic to clean up any further without harming myself or the baby.
Ive tried and tried and waited and waited and boy. am i on my own or what.
Not to mention I need my inhalor about 7 times a day now and going up stairs about gives me a
damn heart attack. im going to see my Dr. as soon as someone will take me. Shit should not be crackling.
And my heart should not be pounding out of my ears going up one flight of stairs.
I swear to god were i not pregnant i would be either long fucking gone or dead by now.
because i cannot LIVE like this.
its horrible.
and i cannot stand the days.
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| flightless bird. |
[28 Nov 2009|01:27pm] |
Well. I am sitting here waiting for my mom to send me to get her Burger King. I don't really want fast food so I am trying to think about what i can get other than a coffee to keep me out of bed today, because frankly, i haven't left it in over 24 hours. Except to go to Bob Evans with Dan.
I attempted to "talk" with him. I told him I am not in this like i was, and that we needed to be friends. But he wants to be with me and is accusing me of poking holes in our relationship. Sigh. Anyways I just kept calm and insisting it was very important that we work on being friends. I don't know if he was listening I wasn't ready to call and talk about things yet, but after the horribly depressing events that occured on Thanksgiving..
I realized if i didn't just accept that NONE of the people care how i wish they did, then I am going to be left with ABSOLUTLY noone. So I guess I'll take what i can get. Because I never want to be sitting in my room feeling like i felt on Thursday ever again. Because it was a whole lot of hurt. and a whole bunch of noone there.
ontop of that I felt a whole lot of embarrasment about being stood up and not realizing it when i called too much because I was worried someone had flipped shit and cops were afoot. I am mortified of the comments that were surely passed, and in front of who. ahh god i hate my life.
Fuck it. I resign.
I hate holidays.
I hate Cumberland Md.
And I hate myself.
bye.
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| I want your suicide to be a book of mine that i never finish... |
[26 Nov 2009|03:42am] |
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Noon for my family. Later for others.. Don't know if Ill be partaking.
A lot of hot tea and Iron and Wine tonight. And laughing. SO NEEDED.
I feel the stresses melting off me, and even when the come over me in waves, I have a chance to process things.. Its been nice to get away.
Not dealing with Dan. Not dealing with Mess. Not dealing with mirrors. Not dealing with me. Just taking a moment to breathe.
oh and i did some botched flirting tonight.
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| this time baby ill be bulletproof. |
[23 Nov 2009|10:22pm] |
for the first time in my life my emotions aren't fucking up my self control.
after he hung up on me sat morning for seeing new moon with jen friday evening (that would be the evening he failed to even call and say he wasnt coming) i haven't spoken a word to him since.
my phone layed silent all of saturday and all of sunday. then this morning i got a text that said "i miss you" wtf is that.
clearly not.
anywho for the time being someones face is providing me distraction.
i gotta stop hoping people will care like i need them to.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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[18 Nov 2009|02:39pm] |
Also on my warpath of shit to run my mouth about...
Mailrooms position is filled. by not me, and after two interviews. Joanns is under a hiring freeze until their sales improve. Which is weird since there was a non stop line both times i was in there.
UGH UGH UGH I am NEVER going to find a job in this shithole.
ALSO
My phone is shut off. I gained 22 pounds already and i feel like shit
AND
trying to navagate social services applications is like trying to solve a fucking rubiks cube.
my god do i need a drink..
of tea bc i cant have 4 irish trash cans.
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[18 Nov 2009|02:35pm] |
It really would have mae my life alot easier if Justin Shockey had just died in his latest motorcycle accident, instead of his presence in this world STILL irritating me and causing problems. The fucking Faggot has been holding up MY lawsuit from my accident, which i repeatedly requested NOT be associated with eachother. I JUST WANT MY MEDICAL COVERED. I have no interested in being associated in whatever fucking scamjob lies he is making up to try to get money out of this.. for the work he didnt fucking miss, the injuries he DIDNT fucking aquire and the goddamn pain and suffering that NEVER HAPPENED because the fucking asshole is a piece of shit sociopath.
And I don't know why my lawyer finds it nessasary to report his life going ons, because secretly im cheering everytime he wrecks something simetaneaously to inwardly groaning he didnt just die.
I feel bad for his baby daughter. I feel bad for his wife for all the shit she didnt know before she married him
He's a liar. A cheater. a Weasel a spoiled ungrateful oppertunistic fuckwad.
I have never to this date hated anyone with so much fury and passion.
and for the record. I do not hate any other Ex.
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[17 Nov 2009|01:21pm] |
I remember on the way back to pittsburgh last june.
when we stopped on the dark country road got out of the car and Steph Zak and Lauren and I walked up someones driveway and stood in the pitch black to immerse ourselves in the 10,304983 lightening bugs.
it looked as if you turned the whole sky upside down and the stars where blinking by the thousands.
I wish our pictures would have worked. but it was one if the single most incredible things i have ever witnessed.
and there i was standing in the middle. Not knowing I was pregnant. Not knowing My trip home to pittsburgh would be a shortlived hell ride. Not knowing anything except that gorgeous simplicity of nature.
it was the last time i have felt any calm or inner peace.
but im working on it.
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[14 Nov 2009|02:53pm] |
on the bright side...
im getting Phi later.
at least she never fails to make me happy even when she drives me bonkers.
otherwise i dont think i am getting out of bed today.
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[09 Nov 2009|04:35pm] |
... and by elaborate I mean really detailed.
I dont want my kid fucked up like me. I dont want anything to happen if im not there.
I dont want it ruined by idiot "friends" or poison Significant others.
I dont want the world to beat it down or be able to numb it out.
I dont want it to lose sight of how important perspective is.
I dont want it to ever think it is unloved, unimportant or unworthy..
or to try and prove so through other people.
I want it to have the entire world.
And at least i know that I may not be strong enough to take control over things and take what i want from this life. They just might be able. Maybe if i leave the right tools. Maybe if i encourage and empower.
I know alot of things. I live by none of them and this is why i fail fail fail.
I also know that I know nothing.
nothing nothing nothing.
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[09 Nov 2009|04:32pm] |
Oh and im making a really elaborate babybook/journal...
in case i die giving birth or by a meteor at any given point in its life.
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[09 Nov 2009|04:25pm] |
Going to my Psych appointment in about an hour where I am going to find out what drugs will stop me from
A. a large scale homicidal act.
B. punching every "friend" i have in their goddamn mouth.
C. Packing a bag and sitting pregnant on a train to ... whereever.
or...
D. Looking for ways to induce a coma.
Things are bad. but they arent THAT bad. I just have a negative ability to cope with.. Anything.
Anything at all and its inner armegeddon.
No amount of hot tea and breathing excersises have been able to bring me back to a state in which i can function.
Because i cant.
Fuck the anxiety class.
Goddaaaaammmiit i already KNOW all of that shit.
and now my boobs are leaking glue.
Awesome.
On a BETTER note. tomorrow I will find out the gender of my baby.
My baby that is the only fantastic thing I can can think about to override my brain waste.
My baby who i love more than anything on this planet. and not even seen yet.
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| argh. |
[06 Nov 2009|06:06pm] |
tired of stressin and getting worked up over this messy house.
you cant change people.
im tired of dan being m.i.a when i need him. running out the door while im begging him to stay 15 goddamn minutes on our anniversary. i broke up with him over text since he sleeps 16 billion hours and doesnt answer the phone anymore or bother to stop by before work- and i havent gotten any response or word since 5 o clock yesterday.
you cant change people.
but i can change me.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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[04 Nov 2009|12:59am] |
Well. I have Chris with me for a few days. Day one is over. Its already going to fast. =(
I dont want him to go home..
Today i got a new Jacket, snow boots and some gloves. Stuff to keep me from getting sick. And survive winter.
I have a slight cold from sick baby slobber. but it was worth it and I am not complaining.
I am essentially giving up on caring about my friends who don't ever call me. Or don't try and visit. The fairweathers and the unrelenting fuck ups. Just better get rid of the wastes of time in my life before the baby comes because I cant afford to be stressing over dumb shit anymore anyways. My priorities have to get in line. And I have to grow up. Slef destruction is an occurance i dont need to be around.
Have had some pretty intense emotional situations lately. And some good things have come from them. Im dropped my anxiety class today its a waste of time and just trying to get there causes me anxiety. so fuck it. I cant do this myself.
I have been regularly writing in a journal to my baby. I dont edit it so obviously i wont be giving it to my kid until its MUCH MUCH older... or i Die.... but its been awesome. I look forward to it every single night.
Dan and I are.... Dan and I. Work in Progress. Communication issues continue to bury us alive and the frustrating part is that we love eachother and both try very hard. We just aren't pulling together. I am not sure what to do. We need marriage counciling or something maybe to give us some foundations in understanding eachother so we stop fucking up even the simplest of conversations.
Ill be 22 weeks Thursday.
hooray.
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[30 Oct 2009|08:38pm] |
Dear Livejournal.
right now i feel like if given the chance.
I would run away.
Love Erica.
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[29 Oct 2009|07:47am] |
it sucks that livejournal is so dead.
i dont care. ill keep going.
..to sleep right now cuz im just up to pee.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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[28 Oct 2009|12:51am] |
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why does it suddenly feel like there is a baby doing the macarena in mah belly??
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